네가 그이 를 그리워한다.
그 그리워는 참아술있을까?
안임, 그 사람이 딴 사람을 생겼든가....
아....참 몰아겟구나....
그 놈의 사랑이 모인지....

Perhaps...

Tonight I was reminded how much I am missing out in writing. Writing what you say?! Well, just anything. Perhaps tonight might be one of those nights.

On a cold night in Suwanee, Georgia, I am missing someone.
That someone perhaps has a piece of my heart.
That piece of my heart, does he know?
Does he really know the depth of my love?
Perhaps....

My life and education schedule gets in the way.
It gets in the way of being able to see him.
However, I also have the independent mind of
     who is going to work for my education?
Perhaps...

Is he all that I want him to be?
I've been praying and asking if he's the one for me.
I know the answer to that question.
I don't particular like the answer I got.
But, I want to believe in that glimpse of hope.
Perhaps...

Does this hope give me satisfaction and longing?
I'm not quite too sure.
Or am I sure, and I deny the true answer?
Perhaps...

I will come to my senses one day is what my
     head says.
But my heart is not willing to let go of that
     glimpse of a miracle.
Perhaps...

Perhaps one day, this will all make sense.
The heart versus the mind juggle.

Perhaps one day....

Building Walls

It's been a little over a year since the traumatic turn around. But I still find myself building walls around me to keep myself safe. There are times when I feel free to fly like a bird and there are times I just want to be huddled in a little corner with my knees close to me hoping that this all will be gone.

It's not easy. I thought I was totally over it, but I guess I'm not. And since finals are right around the corner, the stress of it isn't helping the situation either. Sometimes, I know what the triggers are, and sometimes I don't. I still live day by day and leaning on the God's shoulders if I can imagine it in my mind. There are days when I cling to his leg begging for forgiveness and peace within me.

I find that only Jesus is the the true person to give me peace in what I need. And sometimes I can't find in my head, heart, and soul. I find this to be a daily struggle in life that I live.

Lord help me for being scared and not motivated with my studies because I'm stressed and scared and don't know what the future has for me. But I pray that you guide me in your righteousness that I may find peace and walk in the way of your will.

Life as it is II

So this summer my life has taken a huge change and has been a roller coaster of events. They were mostly bad, but wondering if they are a blessing in disguise?

Hopefully, things will be getting better now though the case has been closed. What can I say, the justice system wasn't in my favor, which it should have been. I'm not angry, moreso worried about my future and what the future holds for me. My upcoming future, please let there be no more issues like this one and protect me from harm.

My pastor said that God is JUST. And I want to believe it so badly, because it's the end that counts. A nurse said and asked me what it would it be to you is if eternity counts or just the present. And I say eternity....because God will get his vengeance some day in his own time.

Life as it is...

My life was turned upside down several months ago. I'm still in recovery mode and definitely trying to move on, but life has a funny way of throwing things at me. I'm wondering if all this will make me stronger and better person. Somehow, I know at this whole thing will make me stronger though I feel like I hit rock bottom on some days.

Life for now has definitely not been up to par as I want, but it's a day by day process. There are days when I feel great and I do things and then suddenly I felt like I ran a marathon race and have to run backwards to get back to where I tell myself to slow down and not to rush things.



It's an interesting process living a life of fear and not knowing what the future holds for me. I'm always aware of my surrounding and if I feel uncomfortable, I take a time out wherever it may be. But for the past month now, I have been a hermit and totally satisfied with it. If I end up going out to somewhere simple like the grocery store, I take someone with me, or I'm always with someone unless I'm going to work.


But there are times when I drive by myself, IF I feel safe enough. Like yesterday, I was sooo craving for Bahn mi (Vietnamese sandwich), so before I went to work, I left to go to Pleasant Hill to buy some. Btw, the place isn't great... The place I usually go to, is on Buford Hwy, but they're closed on Thursdays. Why, out of all the days does it have to close on Thursdays? Anyway, I digress. Yes, surprisingly, I do drive to places myself, if I feel comfortable enough.

I try not to let obstacles set me back in what I need to accomplish, but it's hard to when life sometimes brings me down. I will definitely and am definitely trying my best to live life the way it should be before this whole ordeal.

Isn't it interesting...

that at any moment I will be okay. My anxiety is not there and in any given moment I will have a panic attack.
It's hard to calm down when something really bad has happened and can never be taken back. The horror, the traumatizing experience that will be hard to forget, let alone forgive.


I find it hard to lean on Christ, but I know he;s the only one that will let justice prevail. I don't ask why it happened to me because, I always ask a lot of "why" questions. Honestly, I just want this whole thing to be over and get my life back again. Is that so hard to ask? My life will never be normal, I will always look to the left, to the right, and the back of me. Being in public places (esp those places that I've numerous of times) scares me and intimidates me.

When I get those panic attacks, I can't move, I shake, I don't know what's going around me, I don't know why I keep on shaking...this is how I feel most of the day. Since this incident happened really recently, I can't shake it off, I have to somehow deal with it, seek counseling, and take my meds when I need them to calm me down.

I actually mustered up the strength to leave my house to the backyard and pick dandelions from their roots, wash them in water, and pick out the dead leaves, so my mother can make bahn chan (side dish) with it. Picking these dandelions in the backyard was soothing, though I still felt really nervous inside. The sun was out and I knew being inside the house was not good for me. Thankfully, my wonderful puppy, Pepper, was next to me, which helped me out. As little as she is, she's a smart puppy and protective too. Can you imagine a 5 lb puppy growling and being protective? LoL.

I like the four walls that I live in. I feel secure and safe mostly throughout the day. 

On a side note: I know from my heart that people are praying for me and I am blessed. And I ask that you guys keep on praying for strength and for justice to prevail for what was done. A friend of mine suggested that I write a journal, so that I can read back on them to see how much I've grown since I started, but I decided to blog it, so that you guys can share the burden with me because I don't have the strength to carry this on my own. My faith seems so little in this hardship, like a mustard seed, but I'm holding onto what I have right now and thinking of the cross and asking Jesus to "carry me like a newborn child"~(Chris Tomlin, Over Me).

I sort of wonder if God is carrying me like a newborn child because He feels so distant?

Psalms Remix

I wrote this in Nov. 2010, I hope you enjoy!

As I walk to through the valley of shadow of death

I will fear no evil

For you are with me

Your rod and your staff they comfort me.

Your grace is always with me

You never leave my side

Though I am down and out

Your grace is always with me.

As I walk through the valley of shadow of death

I will fear no evil

For you are with me

Your rod and your staff they comfort me.

You hold my hand and walk with me

As I look down, my hand is so little compared to yours

You whisper in my ear, " I will never let you go, for you are my child."

We walk hand in hand through the valley.

As I walk through the valley of shadow of death

I will fear no evil

For you are with me

Your rod and your staff they comfort me.